Correct me if I’m wrong, but mainly, yes it is to me. Life is getting so not in control right now with everything look miserable and so mess up, really. Bad thing that I never want it to ever appear in my life has just get past through me and hit me so hard that leave a great pain in my heart. I know that nobody ever want something bad, no, worst like this to ever exist in life. Never, you know. Ugh. I really don’t know what I should do. I have done what I think best to fix all my mistakes in my past. But, to be true, I still don’t feel satisfy. No. Not that I do not want to feel so. It’s just I could not feel satisfy. Yes, I am. Believe me.
Friends – have always been so very important to me ever since I know about life. ALWAYS. But somehow, I don’t know how, what, why, and where the mistakes were, everything, every single thing I do to cherish friendship never succeed. I don’t want to just take off my finger and point to my friends. Of course, not. Things that happened, the bad one, always first started from me, myself. Yes. I did bring small things become big. I said I don’t bother but I just did! I bothered! That is my problem!
I said, I claimed, I told, I talked, I swore – I hate myself now. And the person that I am going to be in the future just by looking and judging from my act for the past few days. Back then. It is a big fact that I am actually hating myself – and not my friends. I was totally wrong about putting the blame on all the people around me. I really hate my own self. Not for who I want to be. But for who I have been.
So, someone is now ignoring me for the best reason – betrayal. No. It is not really about betrayal because I never betrayed him. Ever. I love him. Everything about him. Especially how he cares about me, how he treated me, how he showed me love – just everything. He is not my special one my he is just someone that I love to call best friend. But I just could not mention about him, about how much I love and care for him to the public. To let everyone know. I don’t know why, but I just can’t. Because special person to my has always be in my heart – not to be shown.
But, unfortunately, I think he has giving me up. What else I could do? If it is best for him, then it is best for me. Besides, he just a friend of mine. We have nothing serious. So, he could just pick up anybody and show some love, or loose up on anybody and lose any trust on them. ANYBODY. I have no right to decide anything about him, about his life. So, in a nutshell, I am the one who need to just; Back Off!
I really pity myself for what had happened. Just happened. But, I need to learn from mistakes, right? Success will come to those who never give up. I want to be one of that ‘those’. I want to succeed in everything I do. So, what I have to do now is just wake up from falling, and clear all the mess, and start all over again. And the best and important thing is – SILENT.
P/S : Maybe they are trying to make me realize of all my mistakes. So, take it easy and just face it with patience and determination. InsyaAllah, I will win in this fight. =)
